I haven't blogged in over three months, which doesn't look like such a large number once it's written out, but it feels like such a long time ago.
Somewhere in the midst of putting myself down over my lack of photography skills, belittling my abilities as a web designer and writer, and constantly comparing myself to more established and successful websites, I lost almost every sense of the joy I initially felt when I began this project over a year ago. It was never supposed to feel like this.
Over the past year, I've gone through some pretty big life changes. I graduated from college last December, started an incredible relationship with an amazing boy in April, got my first full time job in August, and moved into my very first apartment in November. I am, in every way possible, overwhelmed with gratitude. The intangible elements of my life are healthy, stable, and safe...but there are other parts of my life that are not.
I feel like there's a constant storm cloud floating around inside of me. Sometimes it's light grey and small, other times its heavy and dark, and in some instances, dark black and pouring rain. It's not necessarily a cloud of sadness, but more like a cloud of uneasiness. My cloud swells and darkens when my thighs rub together after I take a shower, when I see yet another tagged photo of myself that I hate, when I realize that aside from this website (which I abandoned months ago) I have practically no hobbies other than constantly buying things that I don't need or truly even want in order to get some sort of temporary high or sense of satisfaction.
I don't want it to seem as if I hate myself. I don't. I love who I am, I just need to act like it and actually treat myself that way. I'm so caught up with the idea of cleanliness, but obsessing over tidying my apartment 24/7 does nothing for my soul. I want my soul to feel clean. I want to wake up every morning and not be consumed by my consumption, overwhelmed by my possessions, or bombarded by my abundance of belongings. I want to feel light, airy, clean, and pure.
At this point it's not about a certain look, number, or size. It's about a feeling. A feeling of strength from self discipline, a feeling of wholeness from nourishing myself inside and out, a feeling of pride in finally living my life as the person that I've always wanted to be.
Makeup, fashion, and interior design are fine, but the past year has taught me that those things were only serving as a distraction from the life I've been seeking all along. This is my statement that I want something deeper, and I will pursue it, one step and day at a time.
My yoga mat is laid across my living room floor, I'm ready to feel good.